It seems my man spends more time with his buddies than with me. I can't understand this. I'm a good woman to him; I keep his house immaculately clean; I wash, iron and fold his laundry to look brand-new; I fix his favorite foods (sometimes spending hours in the kitchen); I watch my weight and keep my body firm; I stay clean for him, my hair is always fixed beautifully, and my make-up is put-on painstakingly to perfection. I laugh at all of his jokes and constantly tell him how smart and intelligent, and strong he is. I perform exactly the way he prefers in bed. I even follow the instructions in women magazines on how to give great sex! What, oh what, can I do to get him to come home to me?

~~Mrs. Lonely,
Baldpate, Idaho

Dear Mrs. Lonely,

This is what you can do to get your man to come home to you...

....get a life, girl!

DeeDee

^v^ ^v^

Dear Dee Dee,

Last year I made a big mistake! I cheated on my (never-ending) diet and ate a piece of wedding cake at my daughter's wedding reception. Even though I immediately excused myself from the reception, and then promptly went to the restrooms and stuck my finger down my throat, the guilt has plagued me ever since. I'm scared to confess to my husband (I know he would leave me over this, and what would I do without him?) I've thought about counselling, but I don't think I can bring myself to tell a total stranger about my most private transgression. I have tried self-punishment (even refusing to eat for days) but nothing seems to ease this burden I bear. Please help me...

~~Living in Shame,
Mobile, Alabama

Dear Living in Shame,

Whatever you do, don't tell your husband. Women have known for centuries that a man's ego is a very fragile, delicate, and even feminine thing. Just the thought that you may have deceived him in the slightest way may provoke him to abusing you - or worse. My suggestion to you is for you to go to the nearest store, buy yourself a dozen of those delectable, delicious cakes you have been denying yourself of all these years, bring them home (when your unsuspecting man is at work, of course) and then slowly, and deliberately, pleasure yourself!

DeeDee

^v^ ^v^

Dear DeeDee,

Help - I can't seem to find a make-up foundation that will hide the bruises on my face. Any suggestions?

~~Caroline,
Mt. Prospect, Illinois

Dear Caroline,

Have you tried the newest shades in beige and blue -- Police Officers?

DeeDee

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Dear DeeDee,

What can I use to get those awful brown stains out of the bottoms of my coffee cups? I've tried every thing on the market and scrubbed until my knuckles bled! Please tell me what to get.

~~Bleeding Knuckles

Dear Bleeding Knuckles,

New coffee cups.

DeeDee