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The Embers of the Heart

Posted by NR Davis on 12/11/2000, 10:23 am
Circle of Hope Message Board

It is a monotone grey day here today. There is no sun in the sky today in southeast Michigan. It is windy, and ash grey skies outside. I will be so happy to see the sun someday again soon. Small little flakes are wafting out of the dirty cotton clouds, and the temperature is cold enough so that the snow is "sticking" to the ground and roads. It is sloppy, and ugly outside today.

Good thing I am in here, warm, coffee in hand, and a full tummy too. I just had a lemon poppy seed muffin, and an orange too. Mmmmm.

Last night I gigged a Christmas party at a very fashionable and trendy saloon in a converted building in a lovely downtown area. Brick walls, wood floors, and beautiful people eating, drinking, reveling, and all the while, enjoying the jazz and blues of me and my small group.

I played keyboards, and was accompanied by long time musician friends on guitar, bass, and drums. We did some great old and new jazz/blues tunes, and even threw
in some old R & B too. What a riot. I am going to be getting out more to play some music in public again. The fire has been rekindled after too long. The music fire has been out in me for too long. Pity to waste a talent, so I will try to get out more, and show my music to the world, in some way.

That is the message of today's post. Rekindling a fire that had been thought to have gone out permanently. I am speaking of the embers of my heart of course, not music.

Thinking I was NEVER going to find love again after my breakup this past July, well, that was faulty and depressive and all or nothing thinking on my part, but it used to be the way I felt. And how many of you probably feel too.

Rewind tape to last July; my ex told me she was engaged to be married, and that is a day I will not soon forget. It shocked me to my core, and shook me to my roots. It prompted me to make wholesale changes in my thoughts, my attitudes, my behaviors, my habits, and also prompted me to reach out to find a place to heal.

That place turned out to be here, the Circle of Hope, with all of you. I am glad I made it too. It has been a helluva ride, no? I am privileged in so many ways to have been here.

But in July, I was at the bottom. I was desperate, down, a smoker, thoroughly depressed, and always denying reality. There was no hope for me, because my one and only love had chosen to leave me to my own devices.

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How would I live? How would I ever find another like her? I had no choice but to go, because on some level, I realized that she indeed did have the right to live her life as she so chose. My noble senses told me that it was time for me to leave, but my fire for life was totally extinguished.

I had ALWAYS loved her, and I could NEVER love another. That is the epitome of "all or nothing" thinking, a hallmark of depression by the way. Depressed people think in all or nothing terms much of the time. Or so I came to learn.

Not only were the fiery logs in my heart spread apart and left to go out, the waters of my tears totally extinguished all hope. I had no hope for love again. My last, best chance had escaped me, finally. I had put all my eggs in her basket, and now they were tipped onto the sidewalk, crushed and broken.

And yet......here I sit. Still here. Amazingly enough. I am still here.

I am so different though. I quit denying basic realities. I quit smoking. I began reading Tig's "Lifted Hearts". I started reading posts, and answered a few too. I even started posting.

And those posts have now become my public journal for all of you to read. I have always journaled, but this is a bit different. This is sort of like talking to yourself, and then other voices chime in from outside your own skull, offering support, encouragement, suggestion, critiques, and humor.

And thanks to this board, and my own hard work, and a bit of luck too, the embers of hope and love have sparked back to life for me. What was a sleeping pile of coals has been back to a smaller, steadier, more manageable fire.

Before, the fire of love burned too hot for my ex, and it only showed imbalance and unsustainability. This new fire is a much more moderate temperature, and my hope is to make it more sustainable.

I even have a new girlfriend, who is totally wonderful. I don't know where it is going to ultimately lead me, but I feel it is so much more balanced and manageable and sustainable on so many levels. The fires of hope are dancing for me now.

The moral of the story is this...to those of you newcomers here, welcome. Use the resources here to your best advantage, and know that you will have to work, every day, to some degree, to overcome the disease Heartus Breakus that we all suffer from.

But you CAN do it. I am proof that the coals of hope can be gently tended into the fire of love once again. Take the time put out the old flame once and for all, and be patient. You will feel better in time, and you can get back to love and hope and life you want.

But realize this truth that I have realized here (maybe this is my biggest contribution of thought to this place); I believe that there is not "one and only one soulmate". I have railed against this concept, and I still subscribe to it. It is a fallacy, one that hurts us more than it helps. It is too unworkable, to idealistic, and just plain false. There are many "one and only soulmates" for us to choose. Do not be desperate about "the one". There are many ones.

If there is a true soulmate for each of us, quite possibly it is the one who looks back at you from the mirror. Get to know that person inside and out, and you will find another soulmate to be with.

Here's to you tending your own fire. May it burn on. And here's to you, the one who looks back from the other side of the mirror. Here's to you, the true soulmate in your life.

NR

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