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Some Really GREAT Posts!

Here are some of my favorite posts from the message boards.
I hope you can find some encouragement in them!
~Tig

Letting go
Posted by Decrovid on 12/22, 12:00 am

When I first came to this board I ask "How do you let go", the answer was you just do. Well that really didn't help me. I was lost, confused, in denial, and in a lot of pain.

The days would come and then go. I hated the mornings worst of all. Time seemed to have no meaning. The pain would then ease up and then come back twice as fast.

I wrote lots of letters and sent lots of flowers, all in the name of "True Love" (or so I thought)

Nothing ever made any difference, NOTHING.

Letting go is hard, we all know that, its your life, your dreams, and all that you believe in. We run back and forth from "fear" to "Apathy". the whole time we are going so fast that we cant really see what it is that we are passing.

Its there, right in the middle if you look. the little door marked "letting Go". You just cant see it, but you will sooner or later. Its when YOU stop looking and living in the past. You must decide to live in the present. When you just don't have the will to fight "yourself" any more, then you will find it.

Isn't that who we are really fighting with, those of us that are "Left Behind"? I always wondered why there was always one, stuck. cant go forward and cant go backwards. There's no "boards" for the one that moved on.

I wrote one last letter to her two days ago and decided that enough is enough. I did not mail it and I WILL Not!!

I have learned a lot in the past few months and I will not Fight MYSELF any more!!!! You can never win.

Yes the PAIN is real, and yes it DOES hurt.

It WILL stop,

Just as soon as you stop doing it to yourself!

Much of the pain and suffering we Do is because we do it to ourselves, by sending flowers, letters, etc...

I Will and Have let go, I have found that door and walked right through it and you know what??

It FEELS GOOD>

"Some times at night, I see their Faces,
I feel the traces, left on my soul.
These are the memories that make me a wealthy soul."
~Bob Segar

They don't Get what I have learned and I have them to thank for it!!

God bless all of us that was "left behind"

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Mutual Friends with the Ex
Posted by Maureen on 12/22, 9:05 am

I think I mentioned something like this before, but yesterday having read an email from this friend got me all depressed again and need a little feedback on it.

I have this girlfriend that I met through my ex. Her husband is close friends with him. So, she calls/emails quite frequently. But I find that when I have contact with her, even by reading her emails, I regress into this depressed state of missing my ex -- and it lasts for days. The latest was a few weeks ago. She called and told me that she/hubby and a few couples that I used to hang with and the ex all went out to dinner.

Then she told me that ex was telling everyone that he "couldn't stand living with me." She told me that she wasn't going to tell me that, but thought "I needed to know." It sent me into a tail spin of crying jags for days. She means well I guess. Tells me that I'm so much better off without him, etc. But somehow I thought her telling me that was kind of cruel, or maybe it was good for me to hear that??? I don't know.

I left him. I left HIM. And I did that because of his out-of-control son. He didn't throw me out and tried to discourage me from moving. But it seemed like after I moved out, even though there were I love yous from him the week after I left, I guess he decided "f--- her" Now he's badmouthing me to all of our mutual friends.

I think by writing this I'm finding my own answer to this question. I need to detach from this woman also. If I maintain a friendship with her, I'm sure that I will eventually hear from her that he's dating someone or he went here or there, etc. That's not going to help me recover any quicker. I have days when I feel really strong and know that this all turned out for the best. My son is a recovering narcotic user. He tells me that in NA/AA they have a saying about people and places -- to avoid the people and places you associate your addiction with. So, I think I've found my answer, and just wanted to share it with any of you who have the same situation.

Love,

Maureen

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On Purpose
Posted by NYPD on 12/22, 6:50 am

Ok. I just spent about 2 hours typing a beautiful post to tell you all a story about what I did today. I lost it on my computer. Here is the jest.

I felt needy tonight. So, when my head told me to stop, I said wait, no let me do this to see how bad it really is.

I did everything that I wasn't supposed to. After all, the best way to stop an argument, even one with yourself, is to do the opposite.

I called, begged, drank, whined, felt unhappy, and everything else we're not supposed to do.

The answer I got from "R" was this.

"You know what you have to do, you have to deal with this. I can't help you."

Man. Did that hurt. I knew it would, but wasn't prepared for it. the bottom line is this. I proved that if I didn't "CONTACT", I would still be hurting, but not as bad as the end result of this grand experiment.

I'm no masochist. I don't want to feel that way. My advice? Do what Tig tells you, and we all tell you. Don't call them, don't write them, don't even waste thought on them! It doesn't work.

Do the opposite of what you've been doing.

I like me. It's kind of like going to the doctor, and you tell him, "Doc, it hurts when I do this"

He usually replies, "So don't do that."

I was intentionally being strong, and bearing some pain, to teach myself, and you all, just how bad it hurts.

That will be quite enough.

Talk Soon.

Love,

NYPD

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I'm Starting to Feel Better
Posted by Toby on 2/6, 6:46 pm

Well guys....after a 4 year relationship and only being broke up for one week...the pain is starting to lessen somewhat. I still think of her when I wake in the morning, right away but I find it a little easier to move on with my day...rather than spend the ENTIRE day dwelling on all of the things I should have done, that may have made her stay with me. One mistake I think people make after a breakup is to become consumed by thoughts of What if? instead of What now? and that consumption will eat you away...that's what I caught myself doing....I was completely consumed with all of the things that I had done wrong, and all the times I had been mean to her when I shouldn't have, it seemed everywhere I turned something reminded me of her....the air is the same air she is breathing, that song on the radio was her favorite, that looked like her car...it's funny but you never realize how many people have the same type of car as your ex until she becomes your ex...I had no idea there were that many Black Dodge Neons in my hometown..hehe.

I talked with her mom today who has been like my mom these last 4 years, I lost my mother when I was 18. She told me that things would work out if they should, if they don't well so be it...but it's still hard guys and gals....she still is in my thoughts each day, but day by day it's not so hard to see her there, the pain is real and rivals any physical pain you will ever suffer...but it does start to go away..it make take weeks, months, or years but it will go away and you can be assured of that. This board I found in a moment of desperation, searching for answers and it helped me so much to see that so many other people are going through what I am feeling now and understand my pain.....you people are a Godsend and I pray that each of you will start walking the path toward recovery just as I have begun taking my first steps......

Love to You All,

Toby

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On Hating Life and Going Through All the Emotions Again.
Posted by Maureen on 2/17, 9:27 am

I just read posts from Maria, Anon and NRA. It brought me back to a time when I was in my early twenties. I was going out with a guy back then who I was head over heels in love with. When he broke up with me several months later I exhibited the same self-inflicted, torturous behavior. Chasing him, driving past his house, keeping in touch with his friends to keep tabs on him, calling him crying at 2am.

It was the 70's and I was in a band with two other girls. I played acoustic guitar and we used to play at the local bars. One night, and this was about a year after our breakup, he came into the bar with a bunch of his friends to hear us play. I had written a song for him and my group played it. Oh, I cringe thinking about it now. I got so drunk by the 3rd set I couldn't even play anymore. I went up to him and asked him if he would please leave. So, he took me for a ride and all I did was cry and beg. He couldn't wait to get me out of the car. When I got out of his car, I took a beer bottle and threw it at him as he was driving away. Driving away. Well, he was at the wheel, but I was the one who did the "driving away." Who'd want to be anywhere near someone so pathetic?

UGH! What a horrible time in my life that was. I was a young divorcee (22) with a baby. After we broke up, he'd "drop by" about once a month -- never called, just showed up. And I'd let him in and allowed myself to be used because that's how desperate I was just to be with him.

So, what did that behavior do for me? It made me hate myself more. I couldn't stand who I was and it certainly did not bring him back. I had such low self-esteem that I developed bulemia and had it for 3 years. I was so obsessed with him that I moved into his town, bought the same kind of car he had, etc. I was trying to be him.

Even today, when I hear a song that was popular around that time I change the channel because I hated ME so much back then. Maybe that's why today I cannot stand CLASSIC ROCK!

Today, that guy that I made my world is an unemployed, drunk, still living at home (he's over 50) and he never married. Thank you God for moving me past that loser.

I think the reason most of us hang on to someone we've lost is because it now means we have to start working on ourselves. We have to find our own happiness and that takes a lot of time and effort. It's so much easier to let the ex do that for us. We feel lost and lonely because we are choosing to stay lost and lonely. Hanging on to the past, because someone else made it better for us will only keep you in the "I hate my life" mode. I started reading books, attending seminars, buying tapes, whatever it took to make me understand what makes relationships work and what doesn't. Staying in the torture zone, without seeking help is a terrible existence. I am much wiser than I was back then. I'm not saying that getting over someone is any easier whether you are 22 or 50. Losing someone you enjoyed being with is painful. Starting over again is rough. But the way you look at yourself and cope with your breakup is what changes when you find your therapy of choice.

For me, I just can't stand not loving myself. I know who I am. I know that I'm just as worthy as anyone else. My ex is not allowed to have so much power over me because I won't give it to him. My current ex and I (isn't that an oxymoron?, current ex?) broke up 6 months ago. Many times I had the opportunity to drive past his house. My daughter still lives in that town and when I'd drive down to see her, the only place I went was to her apartment. If I were to drive past his house, God knows what I would find. Maybe a strange car outside, maybe he'd be outside, maybe maybe maybe. For what??? Why do I want to hurt myself like that. I have yet to call his answering machine just to hear his voice. UGH. More pain! Ok - the first few weeks after the breakup I did email him once about not letting us go and he never responded. WHEN SILENCE IS THE ANSWER, THE ANSWER IS NO! Get it? Yeah -- it took me quite a few nightmarish relationships to finally realize that.

But I now know who I am and who I want. And that's why I had a hard time with my last ex and grieving over the loss of him. I truly loved his social personality. He was funny, witty, had lots of friends, etc. He was just like me! We complimented each other in that way. But he had other parts of his personality that were not compatible with me. He has baggage from his past marriage that he still hangs on to. He feels everyone did him wrong and he's bitter about it. He is a martyr and blames everyone but himself for how his life turned out and it killed our relationship. He is teaching his teenage son to have contempt for women because he got burned. That's why his son is living with him. When this boy's mother remarried, he got so angry that he moved in with his father and they now both live together in a woman bashing home. Instead of taking his son aside and explaining why these things happen, he let his son see him as tortured -- that his mother tortured his father. This boy is learning to become a narcisstic bully with a big chip on his shoulder. So when I came into the picture I didn't stand a chance. As long as I walked on eggshells and didn't have an opinion, or let his son's mean-spirited behavior towards me go unnoticed, I would been able to stay there. Fat chance! The only woman capable of living in that environment would have been Hellen Keller. As much as I thought that I loved my ex, living in his house was killing my spirit and destroying my essence as a woman. My ex wasn't intentionally out to "get me." He was just plodding along doing what he's always done. Handling things the only way he knew how. I tell you it's hard leaving someone you love because you know it's not working for whatever reason. I don't have any regrets about moving out though. I don't have a cage around me. If I wanted to go back to that town I could, but I don't want to. There's no reason to expose myself to the possibility of running in to him, or driving past places we used to go. He is now a part of my past.

Allow yourself time to grieve. But don't lose yourself in someone else. Each time you think about how miserable your life is without them you take a step back, remove power from yourself and give it to them. Find a therapy that works for you and stick with it. Make it your mission to heal. It works.

Love,

Maureen

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For everyone -- ways to think about the loss that are good.
Posted by Adam on 3/31, 10:15 am

A lot of us are feeling very lost and confused. This is normal. We are all feeling sad and lonely. This is normal.

The way I have been dealing with this is by trying to explore the bad and the good of having such incredible emotions - albeit they hurt so bad. Falling in love is easier than falling out of love. When you fall in love you are falling in love with the person for who they are and for what they do for you. In a perfect world this person should be with you forever. But there are too many people on this planet and we do unfortunately spend time with people who either we are not completely happy with or they are not completely happy with us.

Why do we do this? Because it is easier to let love be than to challenge it. We grow accustom to our lover's habits and values. Some we like and some we hope will change. REMEMBER - all the time we are hopelessly in love.

The power of love will keep you in full stride, overlooking things that may not be perfect. For most of us in this list, we were the ones who were content with the other persons traits and values but perhaps they were not with ours.

SO I ASK YOU THIS. Would you really want to spend your life with someone who does not respect you? They do not respect you because they are making us feel this way right now. ((I'm sorry)), we are making ourselves feel this way right now. You have to divert. Think of someone new.

Think of the person who you want to know exactly what you think, who inspires you to do more, who encourages you to follow your dreams. Did any of you make changes within yourself when you met this other person? I did. I thought that by altering my single lifestyle it would make for a stronger bond. It may for some things, but stripping away my past interests and joys was not beneficial for us.

Think about what you have gained from this. We get to walk away and try again. We get to meet someone new and get that funny feeling after they first time they call you. That funny feeling when they leave your house for the first time and you cannot sleep that night because you are so excited. Our ex does not hold that possibility for us any more. We would spend the night with them and afterwards we would go right back to our same ways. It's true.

Think about a new day, think about your mother, think about Hollywood actors, just think about your first date again. We didn't lose something that would have been wonderful. We gained the chance to find something wonderful.

Adam

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To Lori and others who feel they have no one to turn to...
Posted by Cindy on 4/7, 3:26 pm

Lori (and anyone else who feels all alone),

I just read your message from 4/5 about feeling all alone. I have a suggestion that you may want to try. On one of my really bad days, I felt an overwhelming need for support. So I wrote an e-mail and sent it to everyone in my address book that I consider a friend or even an acquaintance.

My message said, "You may know that I've been going through a really rough time lately. It's been very difficult to cope. I need to feel good about myself. So I wonder if you could take a moment to send me a reply, and tell me some good things about me, the person you know me to be. I know this is a selfish exercise, but it would do me a world of good. And I hope I can repay your kindness some day. Thank you."

I felt a bit uneasy about this, and wondered if I was stooping to a new low. But ultimately I didn't think too much about it -- I just hurt so badly that I wrote the message and sent it.

Well, I was blown away at the responses! Not everyone even knew that my fiance had broken up with me, but whether they knew or not, people showed how much they care. Friends that I hadn't spoken to in a long time came forward immediately with words of encouragement and support... offers to go to lunch, to talk by phone, to just hang out so I wouldn't be alone... and giving me much-needed boosts to my self-esteem, telling me all my good points.

I know this approach may not be for everyone, but it made me feel a whole lot better. It proved to me that my friends and acquaintances care about me, and that I'm not alone. Some people even praised me for my courage in reaching out like that -- and I hadn't thought it was a courageous act at all.

Whoever posted that people don't really know what to do or say when someone they know goes through a breakup (vs. a death, for example) was absolutely right. I know that I've felt unsure myself how to react when friends were going through breakups in the past. But it's not because I didn't care about them. And I know that if they had reached out to me, I would have jumped at the chance to help them or just make them feel better.

I hope this helps. Just remember, all the good qualities each of us has -- that have attracted people to us, that have made us feel good about ourselves -- are STILL part of us. We haven't lost them! We are still intact, good people, worthy of love and of being treated well. And capable of giving it back.

Cindy

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The news from Katmandu
Posted by SB on 4/16, 7:57 am

Wow. It is refreshing to breeze by the site again. So many new faces since I left for Nepal, what, a month ago? I hope everyone is surviving these hard times, and even more, i hope everyone is doing really well.

Meanwhile, I am in Katmandu. Just returned from trekking a month in the Himalayas. Is there anything better to clear your head and inspire you after a breakup? Guys, all I can say is - this is your chance! Listen, I still hurt sometimes (what, six months later), but you know what, three weeks ago, a Himalayan wind blew away all my anger and jealousy about being left behind by my ex, and I just let her go. It was that easy. When your heart is ready - you will too, I swear, and you will feel soooo much lighter.

Until then, hang in there, and give your feelings voice. Don't be afraid to hurt - it is a cleansing and important process and it will change you for the better. Make you more compassionate and giving. Inside all of us is the power to be happy with ourselves and who we are. It may not mean much, many of you I only know as initials or names, but - YOU ALL INSPIRE ME!

Jeff, Annie, Jane, DF, NYPD, Tig --- and anyone else who I'm so sorry if I forgot - all of the circle - I carried to the top of Kala Pattar (18,125 feet) and I sat with my legs hanging over the edge, gazing at Everest, Nuptse, Lotse, Ama Dablam, Pumori, the most amazing peaks in the world - and all of you were with me.... I put up my own memorial and prayer flags to the spirits of our ended relationships, and said a prayer for all of us.

Much love from this side of the world, I'll be back on the board for real when I get back, April 25th ish... and I hope all remains well until then.

Much love-

SB

(NOTE: Please read a response to this post below)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

(Response to above post)

This Is Outstanding
Posted by Andy on 4/16, 8:21 am , in reply to "The news from Katmandu"

At last a post I can relate to!

No self pity, no recrimination or bitterness and no living in the past.

You've shown courage, determination, dignity and a spiritual appreciation of the grace and beauty of the world that is God's gift to us.

I know how you feel, standing on top of that mountain.....the past and all that goes with it is squashed to the size of an atom and all that exists is the here and now.

Our futures are limited only by the boundaries and horizons we make for ourselves.

If you're anything like me I have no doubt that the impact of what you saw has gone way beyond your eyes and touched your heart and soul.

Once you have the "secret" of life (love and forgiveness) you'll never see the world in quite the same way and never again will you become a "victim" to anything or anyone.

You have done well SB.

From a fellow mountaineer peace always.

Andy

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What If You Don't Want To Let Go? Tough cookies, my friends.
Posted by AJ on 4/22, 11:00 am

Jamie, I am feeling the same exact things you are. I continually think about him, and I can't stop wondering if he hurts, too. I'm pretty sure he does...or did anyway. I have a feeling I am letting this affect me more. But that's because I don't want to let him go. I don't. Plain and simple. I am too scared to move on because that means I will have to put him behind me. Forever. I don't want to lose him. I love him so much. I have been wrestling with these demons alot the past few days. I keep hanging on in spite of the pain.

But it's because I love him that I must let him go. I don't know your situation too well but in mine my ex is off doing what he needs to do to achieve his life goals. I can't interfere with that. I have too much respect for him and his future to do that. At some point in 2 years he is going to come back. But I am afraid to move on now because I may meet someone else and then my future that I have dreamed about for so long with him will be ruined. This is a horrifying thought to me.

But it doesn't matter. As painful as it is I am going to let him go BECAUSE I love him and because I want what's best for him. And myself. And hanging on does neither of us any good. So no more letters, no more phone calls, no more driving by his house or driving by the places we went together. Nothing. The letter I wrote him I will pack away. I wrote it for me so I think I will keep it for me. If I send it, it will just keep rehashing the past. And that's where he is, in the past. If I think anything more I am lying to myself.

So I am going to start to think about myself here. I am going to take what I learned in writing that letter and do more soul-searching. I know my basic problem, really. I just don't want to face it. In our relationship, because of the distance I forgot to trust him and I became very insecure and I did things that drove him away. It was because I couldn't control my fear that I created the exact situation I was afraid of. I will say it again...BECAUSE I COULDN'T CONTROL MY FEAR I CREATED THE EXACT SITUATION I WAS AFRAID OF. My insecurity has its roots in me and my self-esteem, not in anything he did or didn't do. This is what I need to work on to prevent this from happening again. And whenever I start to think about him I will redirect my thoughts to myself.......well, easier said than done. But I can try. And up until now I haven't tried. I haven't wanted to.

I am going to let him go, set him free, let him fly. Let him be where he needs to be and do what he needs to do. And I need to learn to do what I need to do and be what I need to be. And those are not the same things right now. Not a good recipe for a relationship. And I am going to do this because I love him and because I love myself. We both deserve to be happy.

I know many of you on this board are having trouble letting go, too. I kept saying I don't know how to let go. However, I think it's more I don't want to let go. I am too scared to venture off into the unknown without him. He was my rock. And now I have to stand on my own two feet again. I know I can - I did it before. And I can do it again. Until I find a new rock to lean on (that's a long way off though, I think).

Most of this he will never know. This bothered me before. But frankly he's probably trying to move on just like me (maybe having an easier time, maybe not). And me contacting him will not help us move on, it just throws you back to square one. And I think he probably knows this, too. He is doing his own soul-searching I am sure. I will let him work this out himself. I can't do it for him. He knows I will always care about him. He knows I am proud of him. He knows it will be hard for me to let him go. He knows I love him. And that's really all he needs to know. The rest is up to him.

I am so afraid to move on because it will mean leaving him behind forever. And I can't imagine life without him. But I have not tried to live life without him yet so maybe it won't be so bad.

It's funny. He broke up with me but I knew it had to happen. Our relationship couldn't continue with the situation as it was because we were just hurting each other. Before we broke up I hadn't spoken to him in two months. And just before we broke up I had decided we would have to split. And that I would be alright. It took me that long to figure out I'd be okay without him. And then we did split up and my heart broke and the hurt happened all over again. So I'm gonna ride this thing out another two months. Who knows...maybe I'll be healed by then.

I still ache for him so much. The pain of letting go is so great right now, but that's because I haven't done it. I need to put him behind me. He will always have a special place in my heart, though. That will be forever. He was my first love and I don't think anybody ever really forgets it. Hopefully I can have another love as good as the first. Hanging on to a dead relationship will get me nowhere. I will just be alone the rest of my life...which is one of my fears that I need to conquer first, I think. I can't fall in love with people just for the simple fact that I am afraid of being alone my whole life. That doesn't breed happiness.

You can only flog a dead horse for so long....

Responses:
AJ, well put. Its hard to add a thing to that. Time, patience, forgiveness, and letting go. David 4/22/2001, 12:23 pm

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A note to all...QUICK, while I'm still in an expansive mood :)
Posted by Cyndi on 5/19, 4:47 pm

I think, very often, when we lose someone (or are in danger of losing someone), our first thought is, "I will never find anyone as great as him/her." And of course, if s/he wasn't great, we wouldn't have been interested in the first place, right? So we think there must be SOMETHING so incredibly extraordinary about our significant other/lost mate. And there probably is "something" about them...just as there is "something" that makes everybody special. Everybody. Including you-all!!!

The thing is...when you think "I'll never find anyone like him/her"...what you're really saying is, "I'm not as good as s/he is." Think about it. You think they're so great that you're "lucky" to have them. You were lucky...but not lucky to have them. You were lucky to have had the experience of love. And that experience was half you...wasn't it? Did all that magic happen because they were so great, and you were just along for the ride? They were SO incredible that you could have been the Phantom of the Opera and it would have STILL been incredible? No. You, my dear, smart, creative, interesting peeps, were half of that magic. And, from what I'm hearing on this message board, sometimes MORE than half. (Sorry about the "all caps" here & there...I can't figure out how to do italics on this! )

So if what you're sitting alone worrying about is that you'll "never" have such a love again...what I'm thinking is, how could you not? When the passion is there inside YOU, when the romantic ideals, the commitment, the maturity is inside you, how could it never happen again?

I still feel that those of you (including me depending upon what kind of a mood I'm in ) who want to keep their mates, should try. After all, that's a part of "you", too...the ability to commit to something, or, someone. But if it helps any, please try to keep in mind that it could happen again...if all else fails and this isn't the one...there WILL be another.

How could there not?

Thanks so much to everybody for all your great responses & for the wisdom shared on this board.

Cyndi

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Coping skills, of a sort
Posted by Katrina on 8/13, 11:44 am

Hi guys -

It's been 6 weeks for me now, and I am just starting to come out of this fog of grief and loss. Thought I might pass along a few of my tried-and-true tricks that are keeping me (half) sane ....

#1. Whenever I feel that insane, overwhelming urge to call my ex, I examine my environment. 99% of the time, I get that urge to call when I'm under a ton of stress... when I'm sitting at the kitchen table paying bills, or my car has broken down, or my boss is demanding another 70-hour week.

Knowing that I am most tempted to call him when my life is miserable helps me get a grip, deal with my stuff (bills, job, etc.) and not wuss out and pick up the phone.

Instead of calling him, I immediately gather up my phones and lock them in the trunk of my car (I swear, I really DO do this.) I unplug my computer modem, too, so I can't send an email. Then I go for a walk with my dog or go get some coffee, or something.

Someone on this board posted that most of those 'urges' last only 15-20 minutes, then they're over. I think in my case, that's true. If I can hang on, check out the negative stuff in my life, and get away from the phone/computer for a while, I'm OK within an hour. Of course, some days this happens 5-6 times a day... but those are decreasing!

#2. Instead of trying to rush out and fill the gap in my life left by his absence with another man, I'm working on improving myself so the next relationship I have will be much better.

Someone posted that you will attract the type of person you are; therefore, if you're not a 'complete' person, with a stable and happy existence, that's what you'll get as a partner. Makes sense to me, and so I'm going to try to become the person I want to attract - optimistic, physically fit, and with many interests.

Every now and then I have these very happy, optimistic moments when I see that I can totally take charge of my life, and shape it however I choose. Instead of being dependent on the whims of my ex, I now can work on changing my life,job, home, etc. into whatever I want. It's kind of a good feeling when that thought pops up, and it makes me feel a LOT more in control of events.

#3. I'm reaching out to people more. This board is an incredible help to me; instead of feeling alone and miserable at night, I read the posts and try to reply in a helpful way to someone else. Giving someone else a little support makes me feel a tiny bit better, and when you guys post to me I don't feel so isolated and alone.

I don't have a lot of friends, but those I do are being very very cool about my getting dumped. I've been going out for coffee, lunch, etc. with work friends, and taking long walks with my friends in the neighborhood. Everyone has been dumped at one time or another in their life (even Meg Ryan), so the amount of empathy out there is pretty high.

#4. Occasionally, I indulge myself in some petty stuff that definitely makes me feel better. It's kind of adolescent, but I gathered up some of my ex's stuff and did some... well, NOT nice stuff with them.

Like.. I put the cards he sent me at the bottom of my cat's litterbox. So, now, every time the cat does his business, I know that he's soaking through a stack of old valentines and birthday cards underneath. Childish, but it makes me grin a little bit. I gave his hiking boots to my dog to chew up in the back yard, too.

And I came up with a list of 20 little things that he'd die of embarrassment if he read (one example: "skid marks on your briefs.. ugh!") and I have them handy by the phone to read, just in case I am still tempted to reminisce over our lost relationship.

OK, everything from the truly deep to the truly trivial.. but I hope maybe this will help someone, and thank you for getting me through some of the worst weeks of my life.

Katrina

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In Reply to: What Are the Signs?
posted by William

....Here is a few things for you two to consider, read and digest.

Anger and frustration due to a lost love are contributions from some of these causes:

1)lack of closure

2)unable to reunite with loved one

3)lack of opportunity to communicate with loved one

4)failure to convince partner to keep loving you

5)discovery of false perceptions and intentions

6)not comprehending why the love failed

To reduce our anger or deal with it better, follow these steps for a guide:

1)talk with someone

2)expend energy, exercise, jog, etc.

3)take a time out, sit quietly and absorb

4)talk to yourself

5)focus on ways to work through it

mental scars inflicted by these situations are:

1)loss of self esteem

2)personal thoughts of worthlessness

3)self doubt

4)diminished confidence

5)erosion of trust

6)onset of depression

7)rise in tension

8)sense of grief

these are tough wounds for us to deal with,but if we understand more about what we are facing, we can heal faster. To heal and recover from this pain, take the following suggestions:

1)acknowledge pain

2)unload your discomfort and sadness

3)don't dwell on the question "what's wrong with me?"

4)ask yourself what's wrong with the ex and why they cant appreciate you

5)accompany yourself with friends who give you praise and stay in a positive atmosphere

6)don't sit home and pout,if you go out, go out to have fun, not to think you don't want to meet someone.

7)don't allow anyone's rejection to invalidate you or your self worth, if that person doesn't work out, acknowledge, cry if you have to, accept it, and go on!! Its not easy, but when its over, what can you do? When your ex is dating, DO NOT sit and think you hope they have a bad time and call you back, it wont happen. Let them have their own life, as you don't have a choice, but you do have a choice to control your life...do so and spirits up!!!

wish you the best always, please stay in touch

William

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