|not yet a member?|
Join! Join! Join! |
| THE BREAK UP | BREAK UP INSPIRATIONS | WHAT'S NEW | EXES ARE FROM URANUS | BREAKING UP CHANNEL | FORUMS |
| STOP A BREAK UP | MEND A BROKEN HEART | BECOME A MAN MAGNET | WIN HIS HEART BACK | WHY WOMEN DUMP MEN |
| Win Her Back! | The Bastard System - Women Really Do Love Bastards | Hello, Casanova | Cunnilingus Academy |
| How to Get Your Boyfriend Back | How to Get The Attention of a Secret Crush | Breaking Up Advice For Men |
ATTRACTION IS EVERYTHING! How to win back their attraction to you! | Break free from their spell
This site brought to you by Lifted Hearts and Tigress Luv, The Break Up Guru | The Break Up Survivor
|How to Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back - By using these basic, down-to-earth strategies, anyone can get an ex-boyfriend back and turn a broken relationship back into a loving, lasting one - or make their current relationships deeper and more fulfilling.||
One especially grief filled night---insomnia, crying, being angry with myself, my ex, my God, etc.--- the whole CRAPPY thing, I went back to the "Mending Broken Hearts" board. (Wow! There are soooo many supportive, wonderful people there. It is an excellent board for the first few weeks [months] after a breakup.) I really needed to grieve! Here is my wonderful tigress.luv POST: Please, please is anybody awake and on the boards n/t (or something like that)....no response...so I started reading over the old posts, all the grieving pleas of "why", "how can I go on", etc. And of course, with each post I read I rehashed my whole breaking up incident over, and over again.
Then "WHAM!" God basically slapped me across the face and I asked myself, "why must I keep rehashing?" "What keeps me reliving the whole relationship, good times, bad times, the breakup, over, and over, and over again?" "Why, oh WHY, can't I let go?" And then I had an answer. It was as clear as mountain water. I was using my grief as a way of not letting go of him (us). As long as I kept grieving then, to me, the relationship STILL existed, but if I let go of the grief then the relationship didn't exist. It didn't matter to me that in reality it DIDN'T EXIST! In my mind, if I kept grieving, it DID exist. As long as I didn't give up on us we still had a relationship (if only in my mind), and if we still had a relationship then we could still get back together! And if I quit my grieving and moved on I thought I would be killing that chance...i.e., if he says it's FINAL, and I say its FINAL, then it most definitely is FINAL. So, now, the belief was that if I quit grieving I was breaking up with him. But as long as I kept grieving we were still together and I was keeping the relationship alive....but it was more than just that. I started running through the entire Internet, stuffing words of grief into the search engines, and forums, and help boards, and I began reading all the posts from grieving people from all parts of the world, but I read them with a different frame of mind. I realized that those who kept the grieving process going, long after it should have passedor at least subsided quite a bit, were using it as a crutch. No longer clinging to a "man" they were now clinging to a "grief". The "grief" had now taken on its own identity, grief had no longer been a verb, but had become a noun, a new object for codependents (such as I) of which to identify with. Oh, ouch! That realization hurt! I had replaced HIM in my life with GRIEF. WOW! Such a horrible, scary realization. Grief was actually my "rebound" relationship. But as awful as the truth was, its what saved me. Below is the post I wrote to the "Breaking Up" board the very next morning.
Tigress's post to the "Breaking Up" board:
I'm leaving and not returning to this board. I find it way too hard to move on with my life, and get past the pain to a point where I am healing, when I keep reliving the same pain I'm trying to move past. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but every time I read a post, a familiar wave of pain sweeps over me, and I relive the whole bad experience all over again. How can I move on with this constant "reliving" of it all? It's like every time I come here it is again that painful first week of our split. I, Tigress, will do my usual "flitting" around the boards, but am going to focus more attention on the other boards, such as hobbies, or cooking, or diet and fitness, etc., as a way to divert, distract, and get on with my life. I hope that, if you see a posts of mine somewhere, that you will say hi, or occasional email me. I hope all of you wonderful new friends will understand that I really need to move on and quit dwelling in the grief aspect of breaking up. And, unfortunately, this post is a constant reminder. It's like I'm stuck on the grieving process, almost as if it were my "rebound" relationship of which I'm falling back on. I have no idea why I want to keep grieving an unstable and insensitive man, other than I'm using the grief as a crutch, as a new, temporary object of my codependency. I need to stand on my own two feet and find an inner peace and happiness, for no-one else and nothing else can guarantee me happiness but me. I have to find it in myself. I know for sure, that once I have moved past the grief, that I will return here to offer encouragement... I know there is a brighter day around the corner for me. Good bye and thanx, I hope you'll understand. Finally done grieving and moving past, Tigress
Tigress's post to the "other" Boards:
I had been grieving over a relationship gone bad, and spending a lot of time at the "Breaking Up" board. There are some really great people there, as there are on all of these boards. Well, anyway, getting back to my insight, I was going thru the grieving process and consequently I kept being drawn to the board. I had an especially bad day and ran to my "trusted" site, to read over all the painful letters, and posts, and 'WHAM'! INSIGHT! I found out that for every time I read a post I was reliving the whole painful episode all over again. And I've been doing it for a long time, i.e. I would be feeling better and feeling like I'm finally able to move on and then I would go to the board, and read a post, and relate to the whole painful thing, and before I knew it---WHAM!---I was back to square one. Well, not to belittle that board, because it is that board that REALLY helped me move to the point I am now, it was just an insight, that--as much as I don't want to--I have to take a break from the board. I have to get off my pity pot and move on. And quit rehashing the breakup. My inspiration? The "Dating Again" board.
Confession of a "Tigress Cub"...excerpt from a letter I wrote to a fellow member:
Oh, my dear, getting over a relationship isn't so easy. Especially when we put our entire "being" into that relationship/man. Here's how I did it... and it was rough, but I did a lot of soul searching and I now see it wasn't a relationship with my ex, I had to recover from, it was the "belonging" somewhere that I need to get over with and see that I belonged, no matter what. (I went from belonging in the relationship, with HIM, to belonging to the GRIEF!) To recover from my breakup...well, let me tell you first, I WAS VERY CODEPENDENT and INSECURE. I did all the begging to extreme. To end that relationship I went through all the journeys to my own personal hell and back. I stripped myself of all my pride and dignity... i.e., I know you read my pages, the part there that talks about how we become "beggars & bargainers"...let me tell you, if you were to look that word up in good old Webster there would be a picture of me there! Then I had to go on a frantic, desperate man-hunt-- searching to find someone (ANYONE) to fill that empty void and temporarily block out the hurt, numbness, and pain. Then, I had to keep going back to the "breaking up" board and rehashing the whole event, over and over again, I was stuck in my grief and using it as a crutch to not give up on him. I felt like as long as I didn't give up on him (us) that we still had a chance of getting back together, but if I accepted it and moved on it meant I was killing that chance. I thought like this: it's like it was FINAL on his side, and if I, too, made it FINAL on my side then it most definitely MUST BE FINAL...and I wasn't ready to give in to that possibility. So, as long as I hung on to the grief I wasn't letting go of the possibility of keeping him, and therefore I was keeping the relationship "alive" (so to speak). Then I had to really learn to HATE myself for doing all that I just told you I did. And I really did HATE myself. In fact, I loathed myself. I was embarrassed and humiliated, stripped of pride, self-esteem, and dignity, and I basically felt lower than a pregnant ant. I even thought about leaving town. Then, and only then (after I hated myself for doing all those things I just told you I did), did I let go. It's like all of a sudden it was gone! I was done and it FELT so good. No way could I have imagined, just a few weeks before, that I would feel so refreshed and reborn. I felt like I had come back from the dead. And it's not like 'I' just let go of it, it's more like 'IT' just let go of me. Like any addiction (and that's what it is, you know) you have to hit rock-bottom before you can find the courage and strength to let go of it and find a better, happier way. And another funny thing, after years with this man, and after grieving soooo hard, I now see---I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO BE BACK WITH HIM. He was an asshole, and he hurt me constantly, yet I would've given my soul to just get him back. Duh! If I had been the one to do the "dumping" there wouldn't have been hardly any grief. I wonder if it was all an ego thing with me...you know, that "if I could somehow 'win' him back (no matter how desperate I look), I can retain(or regain) my ego".
P.S. I had (my first since the breakup) a beautiful date last night. It has been a long time since I was with such a decent man, and it only served to point out what a loser my ex was. I don't know if we will go anywhere, but at this point in time I don't really care. I have gained back all my self-confidence that my ex stripped from me. He had ravished my soul so much that I thought HE WAS everything and my life was NOTHING without him in it. There ARE better men waiting, but first you have to let go of the one God didn't think was right for you before you can find the one God has chosen for you. P.S.S. Can you tell I'm a firm believer in God and do believe He knows what he is doing and that all things happen for a reason and a purpose?
Also, visit the "Living Single, Again' boards, very inspirational!
Well, that very day I started walking (I went to the "Fit Over 40" ) board and spilled my guts, literally! Then gradually did some running. I have a small 15-minute workout I do every day (I am especially proud of these accomplishments because I have both systemic lupus and multiple sclerosis) and I visit the "Single & Loving It" board every chance I get. Oh, and for real help and support I got into my Emotional Quota and found out I was a basket case of sympathetic, emotional non-rational thoughts my entire life. That was a sad discovery, I always thought myself to be so wise. Hah! I thought with my heart and not my head. So I started giving my "emotional quota" a workout too. I'm getting back to my life and I wouldn't trade one minute of my today for any of my yesterdays with that man.
Good luck, best wishes, hugs and all that other stuff! I hope my humiliating "confession" here helps some how.
UPDATE: Well, my fourth date with Mr. New Guy is coming up! I'm so glad I found life's wonderful inspiration inside of me to let go and move on, instead of getting stuck in the grief of breaking up with my stupid ex. Boy, was it hard, and don't get me wrong, I am still grieving, just not allowing it to steal my life like I was before. It was so hard to let go because then the relationship was over and I didn't want it to be over. But I did let go, and I don't know if this helps, but I am sooo happy I did.I am now past week two (entering three) of Mr. New Guy. It is so WONDERFUL! Mr. New Guy looks at me with adoration and treats me like gold! He has bought me flowers and dinner, and is really interested in what I have to say. He calls me (even from work) and when we are together he won't let go of my hand for even one-second (oh, yes, my ex did all this too, in the beginning, but, deep down inside, I sensed it wasn't GENUINE). This man is so very sweet, and MATURE, and he is REAL! It is just so flattering to have a guy really notice me and respect me after all those years of neglect and abuse. He enjoys being with me (my ex wouldn't give me the time of day, I used to have to BEG him for attention). Yes, it is a wonderful, intoxicating feeling to have a man that shows interest in YOU. Every one of you deserve this love and attention too---you deserve to have a giving partner at your side, not grieving for someone who opted to LEAVE you. And you will find this kind of partner, but first you have to accept the fact that your relationship with your ex is over. You must thank God that for a time you had the gift of love in your life, and then trust God to give you that gift again and open your heart up, let go and move on. God truly works in mysterious ways and He has great plans for you! I am feeling so wonderful today and if I hadn't found the courage to move on I would be missing all this right now!!!!! I hope my story can inspire any woman or man out there that is stuck in the grief stage of a breakup to let go and move on!!!! Sending you all a great big hug, TIGRESS
UPDATE: February 7
I remember praying to God "Please, please, let him and I have just one more chance!" (Remember that 'bargaining' stage). YUK!!! I am so glad God didnt answer my prayers! Sometimes I don't always understand God's ways, but today I thank Him for the gifts He has given. Through bad times we all suffer, and we say to ourselves "these times are needless! Why must I suffer so? Please, please, help me mend and heal! Make the pain go away..."
Then one day the sky opens up and Heaven shows itself to you. And God says, "Was not all that suffering worth this bounty that I now give you?" And you scream and shout with happiness and joy, "YES! Oh, thank You, thank You. I did not understand before, but now I see. And I am so grateful that you taught me to suffer so that I am now enabled to appreciate this treasure that You have given me. How can I ever thank You for all my unanswered prayers? How, God, can I thank You for Your infinate wisdom and this precious gift?" And God answered me, "be at long last peace." And I am. Thank You, God! And I would gladly, humbly, relive every agonizing minute of my life to reach this day of glory. I guess, God, by not answering my prayers, You HAD answered them.
God has sent me the greatest man...it's like he is custom fit to my needs and likes. I feel like God made him just for me!!! He makes my ex pale (absolutely P-A-L-E) in comparison. We're purchasing property this week, and I've never been happier. It is so funny when I look back at my relationship with my ex. Gawd, I thought he was king! I didn't realize how miserable I was, or how miserable I would have been, or how much I would have missed out on if God had granted my prayer and reunited us two. Again, thank you God for not answering my prayers. My grief has taught me how to be a better person. It gave me self-respect and dignity, and most of all, it gave me the ability to embrace myself and life! Thank You, thank You, thank You!
Sometimes some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.
NOTE AND UPDATE: August 4
I have now done a lot of learning after studying breakups and reconciliations for the past so many years! My wisdon grows every day, and I am extremely grateful for all that God has bestowed upon me. I hope I can lead you back to a place of such warmth, beauty, and light :)
Return to "How We Heal"
Join Lifted Hearts Today!
For more help recovering from a Codependency-Breakup read the book Lifted Hearts
Read Dream Chasers: The CP Addiction (Falling in Love and Dealing with a Commitmentphobic Person) and join in on the CP-Anon board. You can be reading this insightful information, written especially for those who are in love with a commitmentphobic person, in less than two minutes!
For more insights into breakups, reconciliations, and guaranteeing loving & lasting relationships, please read How to Get Over a Break Up, the eBook.
Want to stop your breakup or divorce? Get the webBook, "Breakup Eraser", by Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru. You can stop your breakup or divorce and save your relationship!
Why Women Dump Men: Forget What She Told You - Find Out the Real Reason Why You Were Dumped!
Relationship Book Store.com: Commitmentphobia; Codependency; Romance & Love; Sex & Intimacy; Breakup Recovery; Divorce; Infidelity; Self-Help; Love Addiction; Dating; Saving Relationships; Looking Your Best!; Stopping Breakups; Advice for Women; Advice for Men; Marriage Tips; Falling in Love; Getting to Commitment; Proposal, Engagement, Wedding Planning and Hints; Motivational and Inspirational; Journals and Journaling; AND MORE! Most titles are available to read IMMEDIATELY!
Nice Guys, Inc. - A website devoted to advice for the Nice Guy!
Do nice guys really finish last?
Can you really get your ex back in your arms - where they belong?
Stop A Break Up |
Love Hurts - Mend A Broken
Heart | Make Him Love You Again!
| Commitment Phobia
Lifted Hearts Support Community | Why Women Dump Men | Why Women Cheat | Breaking Up With a Narcissist
Does Your Ex Still Love You?
AS SEEN ON SOCIETYSURF.COM - YOUR RELATIONSHIP WEBSITE COMMUNITY & DIRECTORY!
Lifted Hearts Network. All Rights Reserved - About Your Breakup dot com is
a subsidiary of the Lifted Hearts Network
Relationship and Breaking Up Advice For Men and Women
Breakup Songs | Break Up Poems | Break Up Quotes | Commitmentphobia
Have a relationship question? STOP using general
search engines and start
using the Relationship Directory to find the relationship answers you're looking for!