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"The Fallacy of Revenge"
by NR DAVIS

I have recently been wronged by a woman coworker. I had misplaced a file, and when she came in to ask for it, I dropped what I was doing to look for it. I couldn't find it, nor could I remember what I had done with it. I told her that I would find it in time, and would get it to her then.

That wasn't good enough for her, and she told me that she would have to inform our manager of my gaffe. Since I am well above her on the seniority and organizational charts, I was a bit miffed at that comment, and told her that she would have to do what she felt she had to do, but that I should be copied on any correspondence to my manager.

She walked out in a self righteous huff, and never did copy me on her memo's to him. And I found out later through various means that in her email memos to him, she not only informed him of my gaffe, but also took that opportunity to claim that I was dishonest, unprofessional, and untrustworthy. I was outraged.

I did nothing at that time, preferring to quietly and deliberately plan her demise. And the next month, or two, were hell. She sent petty memos to me, copying my manager each time, informing me that I was inefficient, and forgetful, and generally scolding me like a child. She was nasty to me in the hallway, and never, ever made eye contact with me. I took that to be a sign that she was inwardly ashamed of her deceitful behavior. I never trust someone who won't hold their head up to me and look me in the eyes.

And with each of her verbal attacks over the weeks that followed, I planned and schemed more revenge. It would be so sweet. I even went on the Internet to do my dastardly research. I found some great things, believe me. Most of them were adolescent in nature. You wouldn't believe what uses some teenagers have thought of using super glue and Ex-Lax. Ha ha!!

In the end, I took the full brunt of her attacks, and in the end, I did nothing. I never responded to her attacks, and I never even attempted to defend myself. The file showed up the next day, by the way. And my manager never saw fit to even mention one of her damning memos. He and I talked it over privately later on over lunch, and he told me that he didn't see any benefit in even talking to me about things. He was also a bit put out at her behavior, and was actually proud of me that I didn't see fit to respond.

In the end, she exposed herself to be petty, and mean, and childish, and ironically, unprofessional. And she also alerted me to the fact that I have an enemy in the department. Finally, my manager understands that she is far less a team player than I. Her uncontrolled emotions have damaged her reputation irrevocably in my manager's eyes.

I bring up this tale to discuss a topic in chat last night......revenge. Oh, how we all want it. Someone else has hurt us, taken their liberties with us, ripped our hearts out, and trashed us. They deserve what's coming to them, and we are the ones to exact retribution.

Of course, we will be justified when we avenge. After all, how could "they" (our former loves)? Our feelings are paramount; our trust betrayed; and it is all their fault. We gave them our all, and what happened? They dismissed us, our feelings, our entire beings. Surely, they will get their due, and it will be from us. How dare they cast aside our love? It is natural to say "I will hurt you back, because I hurt sooooo bad. You deserve it, and I will mete it out."

But what I suggest is far more noble and far more enlightened, and far more difficult. Some might even call it passive aggression, and I suppose I would not argue with them. I would prefer to call it by another name; forgiveness.

And forgiveness is never passive; it is thoroughly active in thought and deed. It requires acknowledging that human beings have faults; that the other person, in a moment of heightened emotions (passion?) has clouded judgment, especially where your feelings are concerned. Chances are, your emotions and/or feelings are not even considerations to the other person.

Think of it; in such a state and at such a time of heightened emotions, are you thinking of someone else's feelings? Chances are, the answer is no. You are thinking of your own happiness (of defense) first. Selfish? Absolutely. Human? Absolutely. Normal? Positively.

One of the laws of physics as stated by Newton (paraphrased) is that a motion in a certain direction will prompt an equal and opposite reaction. And this goes for emotions as well, most especially, destructive emotions such as anger, and jealousy.

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Did you ever see one of those rectangular table top motion gizmos, where 5 metal balls are suspended on a frame by fishing line? You know the routine; you pull one metal ball away from the others and drop it, and the energy from that ball travels through the other 3, until the final ball on the other end receives the inertial energy, and goes up. Gravity then takes the ball back down, and the cycle is repeated on and on.

This is how revenge works. It will continue on and on and on. Once you exact revenge, you may feel better for a brief, singular moment. Until, that is, you receive a reciprocal action from the other side, which will make you feel worse, and vindicated in your next vengeful act, which will prompt one from the other side.

In the end, you dish out, and receive. Dish out and receive. Dish out and receive. It is cycle with no benefit. It is a cycle with no real advantage. In the end, you do not feel better. You will feel ever more bitter and sullen. And are those qualities that you want to have on the resume of your personality?

Personally, I do not want to be bitter, or angry. You must find other ways to release your emotions. Find a field and scream. Run until you sweat. Talk with a friend, or counselor. Get a punching bag. Chop wood to exhaustion. Rip paper to shreds. Paint using red and orange colors. Pray.

But above all else, forgive. Turn the other cheek, be the better person, learn from your experiences. You will be lighter, you will heal, and then you truly will feel better. And isn't that what you really want anyway?

Do not give in to your first instinct, which is usually to respond and attack. Take a moment to think, and to take the other's blow on your cheek. When you learn how to receive such pain, and turn to walk away, hurt, and dejected, and then in your sweet way and on your own terms, you release your anger, you will wake up the next day more free, more calm, and will be the bigger person for it. And you may even like yourself better too. It works for me.

The inspiration for this, my first article, comes from the movie "Ghandi", who preached non-violence to oppose an unjust government. It also works great in personal relationships. I recommend that movie very highly to all who have not seen it.

In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed reading these words, and that they were of some benefit to you. Peace to all of you.

NR

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