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This site brought to you by Lifted Hearts and Tigress Luv, The Break Up Guru  |  The Break Up Survivor

  Recovering From Shattered Dreams!

THE BREAKUP

Hey everybody!  Here is the place to get our reader's feedback on their breakup, tips, or hints on what helped them get through it, and their personal thoughts. Also suggestions for moving on, or advice on rediscovering "the person you 'used' to be" before you became "the relationship".
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BREAKUP INSPIRATIONS

The greatest insight that came from this breakup was that I learned to treat myself like a treasured friend. Instead of admonishing myself for not healing faster, I have allowed myself the right to take all the time in the universe  to grieve. I would never think to tell a friend to just get over it (as some  have told me) instead of listening and caring. I have allowed my emotions to flow like waves, naturally and truthfully. I have taken the shelter of my many new friends here who have also allowed me to be perfectly me.--E

WHAT'S NEW

In the beginning I was crushed. My whole being was lost and I realized that I didn't know who I was anymore. That somewhere along the lines of being with him I had lost sight of me. This was the one good thing that came from my breakup . I did a lot of soul searching and realized I didn't like 'me'. Now I have improved upon who I am and I feel better than ever. I also have gained so much self-confidence in doing so that I now find myself more selective when it comes to the men I date!--K

EXES ARE
FROM URANUS

I took the advice of a friend. She said every time I start reminiscing about good times to quickly replace the thought with something about him that use to irk me. I tried it and it worked. Every time I started to miss him I quickly changed my thought and started dwelling on all those bad things he did to me and all the times he hurt me. I also remembered all those little irritating things he used to do, like his 20-second long 'fart' every morning and his obsession with eating the 'leftovers' stuck in his teeth after every meal. This helped!---Bridget L. (Michigan)

BREAKUP CHANNELS

I see him every week. We have a 2-year-old son and he comes to visit him and it just hurts so much. I want to feel him holding me. Does this pass?--no name

Dear no name, Yes, it does. But it might help a lot if, for awhile, you can have your ex visit with your son somewhere else (such as either one of your parents' house). You need to put some distance between yourself and your ex in order to give yourself some time to heal so you can learn to move on .---Tigress

Tigress,

I love your guy descriptions. My ex is "the Director", part of his email address even says director right in it. He doesn't want to have a committed relationship but yet he always wants to tell me what to do, where I should look for a job, where I should look for a home, (my neighborhood is below his "standards"), I am relatively new to computers but he didn't even want me to get one because it would be "a waste of my time", although he has one which ( though three years old) is, of course, far better than my shiny brand new model. Just reading these has made me realize what a self-centered baby he really is and has to try to drag me down to make him feel better about himself. Thanks.--no name

The Healing Process

First comes the hurt the pain, the nights when you can't sleep and the mornings when you wake up and your sick to your stomach. Then comes the anger, that someone had the nerve to do that to you. Then comes the hurt again, what was a matter with you that they didn't love you.   Then comes a period of isolation.   Next is a time for quiet thinking, groping with the idea that you are now on your own again and must fend for yourself . Then comes self reliance, knowing you can do it.   Then comes the utter joy of knowing you are a dependent person and have no need for any games.   Those are the steps in a healing process, everyone goes through them in one way shape or form. Don't be afraid to grieve just don't let grief consume your life and control you

---Dorrian (cl-dgdori) Community Leader of the "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" board at iVillage

It's really scary how many of us are "in the same boat". My husband moved out approx. 10 weeks ago, but I have known about the other woman since March. We were married for 3 years. He met her on a business trip, but she has since relocated here to the DC area and they are now living together. The holidays will be difficult, but my family and friends are my support system - luckily they are local. They keep me very busy and I have even started to date on occasion.

I have passed the devastation, moved onto the anger -- but at the same time have come to the realization that I deserve so much more. Honestly, my anger is the driving force behind me moving on and making a better life for myself. Nothing I could have done would have changed his actions or the choices he made. I truly believe that everything does happen for a reason and that God must have a better plan in mind. Keep the faith and enjoy the holidays!! --leah_dc, iVillage member

Your website is great! Thanks for all the support and information. I would like to mention 2 books that helped me tremendously: In The Meantime by Iyanla VanZant, and The Emotionally Abused Woman by ? Both of these books came along at the right moment and helped prevent me from caving in and returning for yet another round of bad treatment. Yes, all the signs were there, even on the first real "date" (he arrived late and drunk)--I just didn't love MYSELF enough to say, "Excuse me, but I expect and deserve better behavior from a man who wants to be part of my life!" Not that I feel the time that followed was wasted--apparently it needed to get pretty serious before I started standing up for myself. I now thank this man (in prayer) for his assistance to me in helping me learn the biggest lesson of my life. He's still stuck in his patterns, but I (thankfully) managed to break free of mine...and I learned that I need to save my own life instead of sacrificing mine for him!

Thanks again Tigress!--Taza

I think that one of the most self-defeating behaviours we women often fall prey to, is not REALLY hearing what the man concerned is actually saying to us. We twist their words and actions around to suit ourselves, because the truth is too difficult to face. In the end, however, we only cause ourselves a GREAT deal of unnecessary grief. If he says "I'm busy"...(yet again)... we interpret this as "He IS busy,...someone might be sick/someone might have died/he's having car troubles/problems with his boss, family, friends, etc., etc.,"...you get the picture, RATHER, than what he's actually saying, which is...he's only too busy to see US. If he says, "I've been too busy to call", he's usually saying, "I haven't bothered to call you, because I haven't wanted to (or... didn't even think to)". If he says "Can we be friends?", he MOST often means, "You're a nice person...this alleviates the guilt I'm feeling about dumping you...in time, we won't even have to be friends either...". AND, if he says "I'm seeing someone else...though I still love you...I'm confused", blah, blah, blah. It DOES mean, "I'm seeing someone else...it is OVER between you and I...I am NOT confused at all about my decision...I am only saying that so you won't feel so hurt...AND I won't feel like such a heel...". By holding onto a man who has moved on to someone else, you are only putting yourself down. Please know, I've been there...I consistently humiliated myself over someone who just didn't want a romantic relationship with me anymore...because he HAD found someone else. This scenario has also happened to many friends of mine...and it always results in a very unhappy ending for the woman. Please...stop torturing yourself this way. You deserve to treat yourself with love and respect. And then... you WILL find someone who will love and respect you also. All the very best to all of you, B.B. --bella-buttonz, iVillage member
I don't even know what stage I am in; the breakup just happened two days ago.  Thank goodness that I happened across this portion of the website; the more I saw, the more I identified with. I've been nearly suicidal at the thought of  losing him forever, but again, the more I read, the further away from those  thoughts I got. I've made an appointment with a therapist, but am still  relying on the support received from my closest friends. My sister is also coming in from out of state to spend 2 weeks with me, which will help immeasurably. Let me say thank you, from the depths of my soul, for writing  these words which turned out to be so close to my heart.--Miranda R., Florida

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Hi Miranda! Thanks for the wonderful letter. I don't envy you your road ahead but, TRUST ME, it can and will be traveled and it has the most beautiful of endings. God has wonderful plans for you, trust me.

The biggest mistake most people make when they breakup with their partners is to believe that they somehow have to instantly, magically "fall out of love" with their exes. That is simply just not so. Feel the love for him in your heart, allow the memories and good feelings to flow if you want...but just remember while allowing your heart to feel the love to also use your brain to receive feedback that it is over and will not work out. Feel free to feel the love but accept the fact that it is over too. You can love him for the rest of eternity if you'd like. There is NO reason to think you have to 'fall out of love' with him...however you do need to go through the grief of loss, the withdrawal from that which has become an addiction if you'd like, and acknowledge and accept that the relationship is over. This is the key to getting past the grief to a point where are hearts are open and love can re-enter our lives.

Others may advise learning to hate the ex by dwelling on all the bad things...well, yes, for many this may work too, and I, myself, have even done it-- but in the end we sometimes end-up with a closed-heart, damaging future relationships and our ability to trust another man. And still others may simply say something ignorant like "He cheated on you, or dumped you, why do you still love him?" Believe me, nobody who tells you that he was 'this' or 'that' and that you should just instantly STOP feeling the love-- has even the slightest clue! That's like trying to will your lungs not to breathe, or your heart not to beat! It simply can't be done.

I wish you the best of everything and know I am there if you ever need me. Surround yourself with love, friends, and family at this time.---Hugs to you, TIGRESS

So many times we hold onto that relationship that just keeps on breaking our hearts, bangs our self-worth against a wall, and makes our heads spin with crazyness. Why? Why must we drag a dead horse around, and even appreciate it? Is it far better to have a dead relationship, than be alive without a relationship?

Loneliness is a fear that empowers us to withstand the cruelest actions towards us when we are in a failing relationship. So many times that fear swirls our minds with despair. Our hearts so loudly saying "Please don't say anything that might tick him off to leave" or "If I don't do this, she may find another who will". So many times we become puppets to that fear of loneliness.

Should we not value ourselves enough to control that fear? We came in this world without him or her attached to us, and sadly we will leave this world without them. So if the beginning and end is without the ones that we want to love us, then why does the middle just HAS to have them?

Loneliness is just an emotional fear. It does not need to make us or break us.It does not need to take charge of us. It should not take authority over living a peaceful and positive life. If you let the fear of loneliness grab more hold onto a dispassionate relationship, you will never be released to a new and better relationship that is waiting for you. It will always confine you to feeble position that you are unable to break from. Do not let the fear of loneliness take charge of you. ------PolishedLady (Leah)

When he went back to Vancouver I was devastated but his depression and health had become unbearable for him. He was always in a bad mood and he was starting to put the burden of his unhappiness on my shoulders... So we thought it best for him to go back home. Our long distance relationship took a turn for the worse for so many reasons and he basically closed the door on us, and I had to accept it. I tried to cling on for a while but he was unhappy, depressed and my presence in his life just didn't help. It's been 2 months since he left. He was not the person I thought he was. It's important to be happy first, before you make anybody else happy..

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"Nothing lasts forever - not even your troubles."

On healing...

....The first few weeks seemed like a dream.....a nightmare which would not end....would not stop......I could not wake myself up from it. Booze and pills were temporary remedies.....How can you mend a broken heart? It was the most painful experience. I was married to this man for seventeen years. But he was all wrong for me. He was a liar, an illusionist, a deceitful, user who wanted to pulverize me in order to control what he could not....me! So, he was also physically abusive. The mental and emotional abuse was absurd. I could not believe that as intelligent as I am, I allowed this man to do what he did to me because I loved him. How cruel love can be. But, as I went about caring for my three children alone, without a job, with him financially punishing me for filing for the separation, I got to really see the cruelty with which this man is capable of. I started to realize how right I was for doing what I did. I do not and did not need this insecure, controlling, imbecile in my life. He was a High School graduate and since I had a college degree, he made me apologize for all that he lacked........He was a hairdresser, and since he was constantly around women, he used that to make me feel insecure. He told me that with all the choices he has everyday, I could be replaced that easily, anytime... So I woke up, drenched by his rain, and I finally said, "go ahead, replace me, I'm out of here!" It was the best proclamation I have ever made and probably will make......It is still very difficult but poor is better than neglected and unappreciated.  

Learn to love yourself and want no one to give you your identity. Only you can do that with true sincerity and interest. Lots of luck..........--no name

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